This past weekend we celebrated Rafe's 3 month milestone! 3 months! The "fourth" trimester has come to a close. In some ways it feels like it's been a week since he was born and in others ways it feels like it's been a year. Rafe has been an incredibly easy and happy baby. There have been countless moments when I have felt so overcome with love for this little boy that it moves me to happy tears. The love I have for him is overwhelming and all consuming. When I carry him around with me and his little hand clutches my blouse or my hair, he might as well have his little hand directly around my heart. He is the greatest blessing.
That's not to say we haven't had our fair share of obstacles to overcome. Being a Mother is the most demanding, and exhausting job I have ever had. It's the most important role I will ever fill and my greatest responsibility. I have found myself questioning all of our decisions and second guessing myself frequently. Am I a good Mother? I have yet to meet a Mother who doesn't ask herself that question.
This Momma has found herself in tears at 3 o'clock in the morning. One time at my wits end, with sheer exhaustion, attached to the breast pump just trying to keep up. The tears streamed down my face as I struggled to articulate why I was so upset. I was upset because no matter how many lactation cookies I ate, or how much Mother's Milk tea I drank, or how frequently he nursed, or how much I pumped, or how much water I drank, I would never produce enough milk for my baby. I cried because I was three days past exhausted. I cried. Oh I cried. Another time, sitting on my bathroom floor dissolved to tears, because we were forced to turn to formula, and it was upsetting my baby's stomach. There have been a handful of stressful days and stressful nights. I have had more conversations regarding poop than I care to admit and I've had to rely on my "village" frequently. We are incredibly fortunate to have such an amazing village.
Though there have been messy moments, they have been just that. Fleeting moments in time that are replaced by more love and joy than I could have ever fathomed I would get to experience in my life.
The first month was a challenge for all of us while we sorted out feeding Rafe. I had to give this struggle and guilt over to Jesus. Once we were all full and content, in the second month, we started attempting to tackle more consistent sleep. It's amazing what you can do once you're well rested.
Rafe's baby giggle is music to my ears, and his gummy little grin could literally light up the darkness. Each day he surprises us with something new. He makes me want to appreciate all the little things that I take for granted as I watch him discover simple joys in every day.
Rafe is filling out his 6 months cloths, and the pediatrician says he will be a big guy one day. But for today right now, he's my little bitty baby. I am basking in these blissful baby moments, because I know he won't always want to snuggle on my chest, or love his mornings with Mom. Don't blink, or you'll miss it.
*Rafe's monthly onesies were dreamed up by me, and made a reality by The Patterned Pecan*